Tag Archives: failure

Challenging failure

We live in a number-obsessed society. We’re told to start a career by X, get married and have kids by X, make six figures by X etc…the list goes on. Given how much pressure there is to meet a whole bunch of milestones by a certain age, everybody feels pressure sometimes — especially women.

Recently, I’ve been relying on a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) technique called thought records to help me deal with that when I, too, feel the pressure. Thought records help me stay mindful of my thoughts, question them, and ultimately come up with a more balanced, rational assessment.

Here are a few thoughts I came up with recently that helped me challenge my own unhelpful thinking the other day and feel better. I’ll keep adding more as I think of more, but just wanted to share a few in the meantime.

Thought: My birthday is approaching and there is so much I’ve not done. I am a failure.

EVIDENCE FOR:

If I wasn’t a failure, I wouldn’t need to constantly reassure myself with thought records like these or through therapy.

A lot of people in society would think I’m a failure because I haven’t met certain milestones by a certain age.

EVIDENCE AGAINST:

OR could it be that one set of beliefs has had a far more time to cement themselves in your head than another? You’ve had a little over thirty years of being exposed to and believing negative societal beliefs, whereas have only had a few years to question them. 

What everybody in society believes isn’t always helpful, rational, or true. Sometimes society believes silly, irrational things. Society, for instance, struggles with things like racism, sexism, etc… 

Also, even societal ideas of success are constantly changing.  For example, there was once a time in history when women who even tried having a career were looked down upon – and certainly, a failure if her ambitions came at the expense of her family.

“Mistakes” are actually the unexpected beautiful quirks that transform your planned semi-copy into You

Screen Shot 2015-07-03 at 5.56.59 PM

Painting this taught me again how sometimes “mistakes” are actually the unexpected beautiful quirks that transform your planned semi-copy into You.

That butterfly in the middle was a mistake. I accidentally applied too much black paint when I tried to replicate a very complex, intricate, and elegant design by somebody else. I thought I screwed up the painting and I gave up on it because I was disappointed. (“I paint to feel happy and relaxed, you dumb canvas. Not to feel like a failure again. Eff art! I want pizza.”)

I came back a little while later in that all blobbed up, brainless, relaxed-I-can’t-possibly-screw-up-my-life-any-more-so-let’s-eff-up-more-and-have-fun-with-it playful state, and lo-and-behold, hideous black blob trying to be somebody else began metamorphosing into butterfly.

But I didn’t notice what was happening because I was so absorbed in my blobby, brainless, happy state just playing away. Suddenly failure metamorphosed into playful, inspired experimentation.

The ceramic paint marker I abandoned after using it on a series of failed Christmas gifts (failed, because I forgot to dry each mug in the oven after and so the designs washed off after the first contact with water) I realized I could use to draw the intricate interior.

The supplies I received as gifts from two “failed” relationships added the sparkle and the color. My sister’s love on a day I felt anxious and sad added the gold (Sharpie pen paint).

The desire for validation created the black blob, but it also led to surrender when I once more failed to make up for past scars on my self-esteem by trying to be the perfect somebody else.

And as I stepped back to view the result – tired, bloated, but happy – I saw how long- ago heartbreaks and disappointments sought a canvas to create beauty instead of more pain via self-destruction.

I guess this piece taught me on an even deeper level that it’s not the canvas – the finished outcome – but the story behind it that creates the meaning, far more valuable of a thing than how perfect the piece turned out to be. And it’s that, to be honest, the story – the art’s story, your story, my story – that is why I doodle, why I write, why I do anything.

And when I remember it’s about the bigger story of me – us- the why and what did it all mean…I guess failure and success can’t really apply.

Now onto the next mind f***. I mean, piece.